vladalac naroda

Mogao sam te voleti. Tako je počela poruka koju sam davno dobio od osobe koju ja nisam. Nadam se da ni ti nećeš pročitati ostatak. Podarila si mi znanje koje mi je bilo na dohvat ruke ali nisam znao kako da pročitam natpis na zidu. Bila si moj Rozetin kamen. Naravno,krivulja znanja je oštra. Tek sam zagrebao površinu. Otkrila si mi svet koji nisam znao da postoji. 

I onda sam osetio. 

Da mogu biti bolja osoba. Da se smešim. Da sam posle puno vremena ponosan na sebe.

Ali nisu svi za sve. I nije svaki trenutak pravi. 

Volim kako su nam se sudbine stapale kroz prste dok si me držala za ruku. Svako osećanje koje sam doživeo kroz tebe. 

Nisam slutio da sam bio u pravu kad sam rekao da si umetničko delo.

Jer se umetnička dela dela ne diraju. 

voja tufegzic

Umro je Vojislav Tufegdžić. Bili smo komšije desetak godina. Pamtim ga po dubokom glasu i po kratkim razgovorima na stepenicama zgrade mojih roditelja. Jednom sam ga pitao o "Vidimo se u čitulji". Dao mi je verovatno najdorćolskiji odgovor koji je mogao. 

"E nemoj još i ti da me pitaš o tome. Radio sam i druge stvari."

Nikad ga nisam čuo da se smeje. Ali je uvek imao osmeh u uglu očiju.

Sreo sam ga u nekoliko kafana posle razvoda. Njegovog. Ne mog.

Uljudno bi pozdravio moje i osmehnuo se. Ali bi se odmah vratio svom razgovoru.

Još uvek povremeno pogledam njegove TV nastupe.

Vojo,bio si tiha veličina.

Sportski pozdrav.

Vidimo se u čitulji.

strah

Sine,strah me je. 

Ne znam kakav odnos ćemo imati kad budeš čitao ovo. Ne znam ni da li ćeš. Danas je ovo popularna platforma. Kad ovo dođe do tebe možda neće biti.

Ali ako bude želim da znaš nekoliko stvari.

Do temelja si promenio moju stvarnost. 

Većinu stvari koje sam uradio sam provukao kroz prizmu tebe. Kao što znaš,neke nisam. Žao mi je. Istinski.

Ali nema nazad.

Teško mi je da se suočim sa svojom smrtnošću. Fatalizam dolazi sa setom ideja sa kojima sam odrastao. Ti ne treba da budeš takav. Zato smo odlučili da se rodiš tu gde jesi.

Ali je teško znati da neću biti za tebe.

Izbor koji imam je da odem kako priroda dodeli ili pod svojim uslovima.

Jedno je bol,drugo je uskraćivanje tebi. 

Šta god da sam odabrao, oprosti mi.

28.10.2023. alternativna realnost

Ljubavi,ako čitaš ovo,onda nisam više sa tobom. Želim da znaš da bih voleo da jesam i da mi je žao što se završilo ovako. Hoću da znaš da se nisam plašio. Otišao sam misleći na tebe i to mi je ulilo svu snagu sveta.

Voleo bih da učiniš nekoliko stvari za mene. Ucinice tvoj život,nadam se,lepsim i lakšim. 

Kad god ti je teško, seti se da si me naučio Švedski. Od svoje prve reči do kraja mog života,sve što znam je zahvaljujući tebi. 

Želim da budeš što sretniji možeš biti. Šta god to značilo. Nema ničega sebičnog u želji da se ostvaris. Želim da znaš da odobravam koju god ljubav odaberes. Voleo bih ih jer ih voliš ti. 

Želim da učiš. Bilo sta. Svaka nova informacija će ti proširiti vidike. Ustraj u radoznalosti. Ako veruješ u Boga, približiti će te njemu. 

Želim da budeš ponosan na sebe, najmanje koliko sam ja. 

Želim da budeš dobar prema mami. Šta god mislio o našem odnosu, znaj da si nastao kao rezultat moje ljubavi prema njoj. Napravio sam greške,znam. Nije prošao dan da nisam zeleo da je bilo drugačije. 

Ali ti si rezultat ljubavi i želje da postojiš. Nisam ni sanjao da ćeš biti ovoliko dobar.

Zbog toga želim da na mamu uvek gledaš kao na nekoga koga sam voleo. I da je tako tretiraš. 

Jednoga dana će u tvoj život ući neko drugi koga će mama dovesti. 

Taj čovek će verovatno biti dobar. Možda ćeš imati drugu braću i sestre. Ali ti si prvi. I ti si moj sin. Sve što sam bio odjekuje kroz tebe. To ništa ne može zameniti. Niko drugi ne može biti tvoj tata. Ali može učiniti život tvoje mame lepšim. Nadam se da obojica želimo jednako da mama bude sretna.

Jednog dana se možda sretnemo opet. Ako ti to čini lakšim život, veruj u to. Ako ne i ako je ovo sve što će biti,znaj da si bio moja najveća svetlost i najveća ljubav mog života. Za mene dovoljno da se smatram blagoslovenim što sam ovoliko ziveo.

Ako ti nisam pokazao koliko te volim i koliko sam ponosan na tebe,to je moj najveći poraz. 

A sada ću ti reći ono što sam ti rekao svaki put kad bih te video.

Ti si lep. Ti si dobar. Ti si pametan.

Ti si moja najveća ljubav. Znaj da sam ponosan na tebe. 

Biće sve u redu. 

Voli te tata.

letter for a future time

I'm at a point in my life where I can't see myself with anyone. I miss waking up next to someone. But I can't imagine that person.

Some time ago a friend did that for me and I was grateful. I had only a couch at that time. No sex was there. Just intimacy. 

I remember the feeling in the morning.

True happiness because I woke up hugged. Desolation and desperation. A hole in my soul because I didn't want it to end. And simultaneous realization that my friend can't stay. Even if she wants to. I just can't let it happen. 

And one day someone might stay over again. I have a bed now.

But on one of the walls stands a picture of your mother and I kissing. It was our first and least bad road trip. In Timisoara. 

I decided to keep it because you said you loved it. And because I was the happiest in my life. That's a hard thing to explain to a new person. 

But I made my priorities clear to myself.

You see, I never felt home anywhere. Not even in my own apartment now.

I see this place as my temporary apartment because I want to leave it for you. I'm going to lose my time with you because that's how the things go. It's a constant uphill battle for your affection. But a man that comes in your mother's life will spend more time with you than I will.

Unfortunately that means I have to become a threat. There can not be a person setting boundaries against me when it comes to you. Boundaries can be only set by me.

And that means I have to focus on our relationship. I can't afford to spread my attention on other people. That means that I can't imagine having a family outside of you.

Questions will come in about fifteen years.

And I will be there for them.

As I will be there for your first heartbreak, punch, equations that I forgot exist.

You just don't understand yet how important your smile is and how deeply I regret hurting you. 

You are entitled to your feelings. Now and in future. If you choose to explain them I will listen. If you don't I will respect that.

But I will not repeat the mistakes made against me.

As I hope you will not repeat mine.

I love you.

Tata

Solo noi

When I was a kid I practiced violin. I loved the sound of it. Not the one I produced but I loved anything that had it.

My family is a mix of Serbian and Hungarian influence on my maternal grandmother's side. I still have a complicated relationship with Hungary because of the stories my grandma told me from the concentration camp she was interned at during the WWII. She was about 11 when she got taken together with her family. I know some Hungarian to this day. And I deeply hate knowing it because I know why she learned it. 

My maternal grandfather is a Serb from the beautiful city of Mostar. He wrote down his recollection of the events of establishing the independent state of Croatia. To cut the story short, people were gathered at one of the meeting points and told that new state was proclaimed and if I remember correctly,one of the ladies,a catholic Croat told him to run. He ended up in Nedić controlled, German occupation zone of Serbia where he was shielded by a family of strangers. He was about 12 years old. He lived for years thinking he was the only survivor.

My paternal grandfather is from Split. We can trace our branch of the surname for I think around 200 years. But as of today I don't know the origin. I actually know the least about it. What I know is that my close relative organized the resistance in the city and together with Mokranjac was the greatest south Slav composer in history. Famous people were connected to us but that is irrelevant for now.

My paternal grandmother is from a very rooted family of Šibenik. We go centuries back. We are catholic Croats. And obviously we had a difficult relationship with the Italians. Cultural, political and physical domination is visible until today. That side of my family did what entirety of Šibenik did. We joined the only right side of the WWII. And we payed for it. Buildings in Šibenik and surrounding areas are full of my family's surnames commemorating our sacrifice for the liberation and unification of the fatherland.

My parents met in an elementary school in a border city with Italy. The area is effectively trilingual. Rapid industrialization made Serbo-Croatian an unofficial language. Slovenian was the majority language and Italy was still projecting it's domination via various channels.

And there my story actually begins.

All the blockbusters I saw for the first time were Italian dubbed. Terminator. Back to the future. Lion King. Disney's Robin Hood. You name it. It took me years to rewire my brain to start singing along the songs from cartoons in the original language.

But my parents gave me a gift. Or the upside of the horror, madness,evil and insanity of the destruction of my homeland.

They gave me music.

Today Toto Cotugno died. I loved his music. 

I am ashamed to say it but despite my reservation towards the Italian nationalism I sang along to L'Italiano. And then my favorite one.

Solo noi.

The reason why it's special to me is because when Teo's mom came for the first time to stay with me she was very nervous in the car. So I played music from my phone. That was the song that came. And it was perfect in my mind.

I'm sure that Toto touched hundreds of millions of people. If he touched just mine it would have been enough. 

But he did so much more.

Buon viaggio. Grazie per tutto.

Resti in pace. 

Adesso siete solo voi.

expat

Before I came to Scandinavia I worked on a cruise ship as a night auditor. It's an interesting position because it's a mixture of administration, safety, quite literally keeping the captain awake, doing bartender's job without serving drinks, show and low-key leavemealone vibe. The plan was to learn the trait and become a manager of several ships. Live in Botswana and work on the Nile.But I found out I was going to be a father.

That changed everything. Every thing I had planned got scrapped. 

I remember talking to my friends Danijela and Mile about them studying in Upsala and I said to myself I could visit but live,never.

But there I was. Pregnant partner and myself. No job. No idea what is going on. Reinventing myself for the second time in a year. 

Her family is some of the best people I know.

I'll cut it short and tell you it didn't work out.

But we did it together in the beginning.

I got a job after exactly two months and ten days. Actually she found it. In Brondby. East part. The industrial part. IKEA warehouse. Salary was enough for the bills, mortgage for her apartment, cigarettes, cheapest coffee on the way to work, absolutely clueless to how the system works.

Coronavirus time was hell. I'd wake up at 10am, do what I needed to wake up, and leave at 11 to be sure I am at work at 2pm. Trains were going every hour, with 500 people being in person checked by the Danish border control. I will not comment on the way it was conducted.

On the way home I would get home between half past midnight and 2am, depending on the train. Worst case scenario was when the train that comes from Brondby would be one minute before the train that goes to Malmö. That meant I have to sprint about 300m to catch it after 8h work in a warehouse. And I can't explain the mental breakdowns I had if I didn't make it. Because it meant I will have to walk from the central station in Malmö to our home. And Sweden decided to cancel public transportation after certain time.

But my son was born.

And he didn't like to sleep. It would take him to fall asleep couple of hours. So sometimes when I came home after all of this I would take him out to walk him into sleep. My ex was exhausted. Any mom can relate to that. She needed some rest. But that was the only thing I could do at the time. I probably could have done more but I was exhausted.

That's all for this time.

I have to sleep.