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Train from Copenhagen central towards Lund was late for 3 minutes due to unusual number of people using wheelchair boarding. To some this might seem irrelevant but one thing that important to people is their public transportation. They rely on it since car ownership became discouraged by the state with a promise to have an efficient alternative. The ride from Copenhagen to Malmö is advertised as a 35 minutes cloud ride. This became a 38 minute one. 

Another important thing to people is the silent zone that sits right in front of the entrance to the train. And there just wasn't enough space for all of the disabled people in the area designed for them. Some of them parked in front of the silent zone. 

There was sitting Goran, pronounced with a Y. He just became a father and was returning from his parental leave. Was it lack of sleep or the realisation of the sheer size of the task in front of him, but his mind turned on the disabled. 

You see, those 3 minutes just translated to him being home 40 minutes later than usual. 

He was always polite and respectful. He never had a fight in his life. His hands were beautiful and cared for. He used moisturizer. 

But those 3 minutes woke up something. 

Disabled people were loud. As uncomfortable situations tend to make them. 

Space for those who wanted to be silent was obstructed. 

Something woke up in Goran as the train approached Hyllie. 

Again,one thing that is not that talked about is a surge in drug related violence between Copenhagen and Malmö. That led to the return of border control on Swedish side.

Goran checked his transportation app if he can catch the bus from there. There was a delay so he might just get to it in time from Hyllie.

Train stopped. A dozen of disabled people started to disembark the train. 

He managed to get out but completely forgot about the border control. 3 officers for the entire exiting train. One entrance to Sweden.

He became infuriated and loudly cursed. Not very Swedish. He should have done the usual. Be passive aggressive and start talking about how the country went to hell because 2 out of 3 officers are Arabic looking.

He returned to the train completely consumed by the new found hate against the disabled. One thing he didn't notice was that one of the officers spotted him when he got loud for that one moment. A call was dispatched because yelling on a border is never a light thing to do. Let's say I know it from the experience.

Goran sat down to his old seat. Strangely cold. 

Delay now became a 7 minutes one. Still on the same spot. A border control officer entered the coach and asked everyone to prepare their id in three languages. All three of them with a heavy Slavic accent. Bosnian to be "precis".

Goran took out his wallet and realized that his id is in the company.

Officer came up to him. No id.

They speak Swedish. Officer a bit rudimentary but Swedish non the less.

Goran tried to explain the situation and the officer listened to him carefully. The train started to move. Officer told him to come out with him on the next stop. 

Goran was infuriated at this point. 

He was determined to get home to his family asap.

The two of them exited the train at Triangeln station. From another train exit came a group of middle Eastern looking group of young guys that started to push each other. Officer called for back up and yelled at the group to break up. He told Goran to stay still and went towards the youngsters. Goran saw this as an opportunity to get away and slowly started to walk away towards the escalator.

As he approached the exit he was confronted by a group of police officers and without a question taken back.

Officers rushed to help the border officer that was trying to control the rival groups. One of them stayed with Goran pushing him against the pillar. Border officer finally came back to him and was told by the police officer that he tried to get away.

They spoke briefly and the only two words he managed to hear were "illegal immigration".

He was cuffed and searched.

High above him was a plaquette with a barely recognisable dirty flag of European Union.

Maja

When I was a kid I had a friend. Her name was Maja. She lived less than 50m from my grandma in Slovenia. She died when she was 8.
I feel so guilty for not writting anything about her for more than 20 years.
But she was my friend and I wish I could talk to her about the times we rode our bikes together to Partizanska. Even though it was forbiden.
But that is what a friend is.
Someone you share forbiden things.

Sudnji dan

Kad si mi rekla, bio sam van sebe od sreće. Niko nije bio veći od mene. Taj zalazak sunca je mogao biti plavetnilo Jadrana. Ali nije.
U Nurnbergu sam prvi put tražio crkvu sa željom da pričam sa nekim.
Tamo gde su suđenja bila sam se osecao kao osuđenik. Potpuno izgubljen i sam. Bez ičega čemu bih se radovao.
Zelena trava je bila nekako siva. Glasovi su ostali u pozadini dok su mi ljudi govorili u lice.
Ni vetar nisam osecao.
Ništa više nije važno.
Nije bilo suđeno.

Auslander

The fact is that I am in a strange country, surrounded by people who I know but do not understand, listening to music that I love but do not understand a single word, accustomed to a life I knew nothing of until recently, covered by nothing and feeling at peace for the first time in my life.
I'm wasting my life and couldn't care less.
Not many people can understand what I am talking about.
Money becomes abstract when you can't enjoy fruits of labor.
But that purifies your perspective on things that are important. Spartan life draws Spartan thoughts. I thought that I used to look at life in binary positions. Now I understand that I was spoiled. I understand better asceticism. Daily I am trying to skin myself and strip of all the unnecessary things until I am just an idea.
For me it was a life-changing experience to enter a first water lock.
The way river narrowes.
Gates close.
Impatience becomes futile attempt to control things that are out of my reach.
And after seconds that became insignificant to count,one continues with journey.
There is joy.
But I find it in the smallest things I can imagine.
I started to pay attention to nature. People became just a passing experience.
I am detached from my previous life.
I understand feelings differently.
And I am transitioning to a place where I can't be hurt anymore.
Because in the grand scale of things, I am writing in a language that is not mine, speaking languages that are alien to me, hearing words that are unrevealed to me.
And I will master all of it.

Živjeti se ne mora. Ploviti se mora.

Ni pogled unazad

Ni korak nazad,rekao je on. Pogledao je ka horizontu koji je obasjan bljeskovima u noći. Iza njega je stajala šaka nepoznatih mladića i devojaka. Iza njih leševi nepoznatih mladih. Ispred njega nepoznato. Samo bljesak iza krajolika o kojima su u miru pisali drugi.
Ni korak nazad,ponovio je. Šta god se desilo,makar ovde ostavili duše,ni korak nazad, vikao je.
Iza horizonta je naš cilj. Ispred cilja su prepreke. Neki će ih savladati. Mnogi nećemo.
Jednog dana će se neki od nas vratiti ovde. Neki od nas će se secati svih palih. Mnogi drugi neće.
Ni korak nazad!
Suocicemo se sa tim horizontom. Neki će stići do cilja.
Ali ni korak nazad.
Tamo lebdi smrt.

Misli

Svaki pisac kog sam upoznao u životu je mrzeo. Možda je onaj neki Duško Radović ili Ršumović voleo ili voli, ali oni koje ja cenim nisu voleli. Ili jesu. Samo su dobro sakrivali.
Ne pokušavam da se poredim sa Hemingvejima, Orvelima, Hakslijima. To su mi inače najdraži pisci. Hemingvej ne toliko zbog stila pisanja koliko zbog toga što se identifikujem sa njim. Ironično, jedina stvari koje znam o životu dotičnog su da je bio alkoholičar, da je voleo pičku, mrzeo sebe i da smo delili neke vrednosti koje se mogu labavo vezati za antifašizam. Zapravo, najviše ga poštujem što je sebi prosvirao glavu. Nisam sklon divljenju samoubicama, iako često osećam empatiju, možda je bolja reč razumevanje, prema činu. Možda je i on kao ja maštao o tome da se izopšti iz vrste ginući za stvari u koje veruje. Prilično sam siguran da je Orvel o tome maštao.
Rođen sam u zemlji koju je neko razjebao i dao mi iskustvo posmatranja raspada društva koje ne poznaje pojam individualizma. Niko nije rekao koja su pravila igre, samo koja je kazna. Šta znači biti pojedinac smo izmislili mi.
No taj generacijski spor će se rešiti onako kako je rešavano i ranije. Krvlju. Mada imam osečaj da će moja generacija biti mrtvorođena.
Zato su mi uzori oni koji jesu.
Nema umetnosti u koju nije utkana suza, krv, znoj. Nema umetnosti bez promene stanja svesti. Bez te mržnje nema ljubavi.
Čovek koji danas ne mrzi nije živ.
Čovek koji danas ne mrzi ne može da bude hrabar.
Onaj koji mrzi sadrži poriv da umre. Onaj koji ima poriv da umre može učiniti sve što želi.
Ne postoji veličanstvo koje nije nastalo posle užasne patnje.
Jesenjin je plakao nad štenadi. Jer nije znao za gore.
Ja plačem nad slepim kukavičlukom. Jer ne znam za gore.
A jebem ti mater što zuriš u ekran.

Običaj

To veče si vozila ti. Popio sam previše pored premalo ljudi koji bi me zadržali. Po običaju. Po navici.
Bila si zahvalna što nemam novu priču koje bi se stidela. Kojom bih se hvalio.
Bila si zahvalna što voziš automatik jer možeš da me držiš za ruku dok ja besnim kroz frustracije koje se probijaju uz alkohol koji isparava. Razmišljaš da će moj bes da se pretoči u razbijanje tvog teško zarađenog ajpeda u stranoj zemlji na kraju jebene pičke materine u koju si morala da odeš. Da bi ustedela za ajped. I poslala mami da otplati kredit za kotao da se greju.
Zahvalna u kolima koje su tvom pijanom dečku dali roditelji. Ka vašem domu koji su vam dali roditelji tog pijanog kretena kog u novom napadu mržnje i frustracije nad sopstvenom nesposobnošću da stvori bilo šta za sebe, voliš. Voliš me.
Kako možeš da voliš nekoga ko živi u iluziji da je bolje umreti ubijajući manifestacije svojih suprotnosti nego negovati porodicu?
Nekoga ko bi te ostavio zbog balija, četnika i ustaša?
Kako voleti debila kom je dobrobit za svoju porodicu proizišlu iz rada za državu vredna prezira i radije će umreti pod jarmom najsurovijih privatnika?
Daleko od tebe?
Kako razgovarati sa čovekom koji članovima partija brani ulaz u dom?
Kako stajati sa čovekom na čijem pragu stoji SF/SN?

Kako me nisi izbacila iz kola do sad?