Some time ago a friend did that for me and I was grateful. I had only a couch at that time. No sex was there. Just intimacy.
I remember the feeling in the morning.
True happiness because I woke up hugged. Desolation and desperation. A hole in my soul because I didn't want it to end. And simultaneous realization that my friend can't stay. Even if she wants to. I just can't let it happen.
And one day someone might stay over again. I have a bed now.
But on one of the walls stands a picture of your mother and I kissing. It was our first and least bad road trip. In Timisoara.
I decided to keep it because you said you loved it. And because I was the happiest in my life. That's a hard thing to explain to a new person.
But I made my priorities clear to myself.
You see, I never felt home anywhere. Not even in my own apartment now.
I see this place as my temporary apartment because I want to leave it for you. I'm going to lose my time with you because that's how the things go. It's a constant uphill battle for your affection. But a man that comes in your mother's life will spend more time with you than I will.
Unfortunately that means I have to become a threat. There can not be a person setting boundaries against me when it comes to you. Boundaries can be only set by me.
And that means I have to focus on our relationship. I can't afford to spread my attention on other people. That means that I can't imagine having a family outside of you.
Questions will come in about fifteen years.
And I will be there for them.
As I will be there for your first heartbreak, punch, equations that I forgot exist.
You just don't understand yet how important your smile is and how deeply I regret hurting you.
You are entitled to your feelings. Now and in future. If you choose to explain them I will listen. If you don't I will respect that.
But I will not repeat the mistakes made against me.
As I hope you will not repeat mine.
I love you.
Tata
