void

 I feel like I am yelling into an empty void. I don't know where to turn.

I need a friend. 

work ethics of a Yugoslav

When I was a young boy my father told me that it's better to be a good shoemaker than a bad doctor.

I am born in a country that doesn't exist where it used to. Except everywhere else around the world.

Those two points were the groundwork for the person who I am today.

First taught me that whatever I do I should do the best I can and more importantly that I am solely responsible for my own performance. Latter is measured by how much my peers trust me with the work we share. Noone else. Company men are not good workers. There's no pride in being a company man.

Work will survive without the company men. It will not survive without you.

We have one flag, one anthem and one origin struggle. We come from a proud people who stood up to hate. In those days it was simple. You do not betray your neighbour. You do not leave people behind. If you have no options, you avenge your neighbour.

Nowdays it's not that time. But the ideas are the same. We don't abandon our neighbours because it's hard to resist. 

People will come and tell you that you are better than others because of a particular set of your qualities . Some you have because you built them. Others you had no control over. Like your skin colour. Religious background. My or your mom's ethnicity. Languages you will learn. 

It's important that you understand that there is never time in which it is acceptable to turn your head away.

Never turn your head away, my son.

We do not turn our heads away.

We embrace. We love. We accept.

We understand.

I faced hate my whole life. Sometimes it meant I would have to do things that wouldn't be understood immediately. 

Sometimes it meant there are rumors that I did things that were illegal. But legal is not always right.

If you have to choose between being right and kind, be kind. 

It's more important to sleep sound than to sleep well.

I rise to Hej Sloveni. You will hold some other anthem in your heart. 

But values we hold high determin us for eternity.

Be kind.

I love you

tip 1

abandon all hope is the best survival tip I received in my life

if you surrender your beliefs of being rescued you will perceive every moment of your life as survival fight

that is not necessarily reality but it is a necessity

Omnia me me cum porto

dream

you are a dream. Sometimes a nightmare. But always a dream. You are a place of my purest happiness. I guess it looks to you like I am pretending but you are source of my happiness. I wish I can give you my feelings so you can have that part of me. Hear my heart when we are well. I think about you all the time.

It hurts when you are sad. Or not well. 

My urge is always to show you that I care.

I love you more than I know how to show.

But I love you.

And I fantasize about you in the dress.

About seeing you walk confidently.

As you should.

I love to hold your hand.

Wake up to a kiss.

Fall asleep touching you.

Being hugged by you.

When you rub your feet on mine.

I want to make love to you again.

I forgot how to.

I just need so little back again.

But I love you.

And despite everything I am still in love with you.

Snälla älskling

I started this with English. Wrote several sentences and started doubting if I can relate my thoughts in it. So I switched to Serbian keyboard. Just to restart writing in cyrilic alphabet without noticing it. 'till I realised people this might be interested in wouldn't understand it. So I switched to a Croatian one. Just to backtrack thinking that I am pondering. One can never underestimate one's laziness. 

So I went back to the safe option. 

English. Because I forgot French and my Italian is basic. I wouldn't get lost but I can't hold a real conversation. 

Indonesian, Farsi, Urdu, Japanese, Mandarin, Tagalog, Tunisian, Libian, Marokan and Palestinian Arabic are gone. I can order a beer. Say hey. First one is useless in most Arab countries. 

No beer. Get it?

The song I am listenig is Unstoppable by Sia.

Most likely because I feel powerless. 

But I decided I should go back to where I was fifteen years ago. And this is the beginning of that journey. 

I am an angry person. Not always a man. Whatever that means. 

That is because I have so many unresolved issues from my childhood and it took me so much time to realise what and how wrong I perceived normality. But here I am. 35. In Albania close to Greece. Intimately scared of speaking my own language. So I resort to my son's. 

I tell myself that I am protecting my family by omitting. 

But the truth is I have no family.

I will not get into details but I just have to write it as it is. I can't say it out loud. 

I love the thought of having a family. 

You see, I am deeply in love with a boy. 

He makes my heart stop. He lights up my day. We dance. We play. We have deep conversations about what happened. He explains me that the lights on the horisont are a plane. He holds my hand when we lift off because I am scared of flying. He shows me how to make a happy face. How I should look angry. How to recognise a monster. Also ghost. That's extremely important because monster or a ghost can come anytime and he knows when I should take cover.

And he taught me every single word I know in Swedish. 

Every.

Single.

Word.

Here's the thing. When he was born I thought for approximately 6h most days what can I focus on. That's how long my commute was in majority of C-19 was. I'm not complaining. I've met many interesting people on the way. From murder confessions to outright proposals.

And I decided that he will teach me another language.

You see, I grew up with a "I'll show you how to do it" father and a "Don't do it" mother. In between I had enciclopedias and Youtube. I had a diy scattered group of friends. And no money. So my knowledge was always theoretical. Knowledge none the less. 

It's fair to say that I didn't care enough for my academic career. I cared about practical knowledge and people. I still do. Deeply. 

Unfortunately that care stops when I leave the enviroment. 

Every place I ever worked at experienced that. 

But that is what you get when you are brought up by a father that leaves every few months.

So I just shut down. That's my emotional response. I don't know how to differently.

I have an alcohol abuse problem. 

That's why this exists. 

That's why I was always very careful regarding drugs. 

If you are cunning and perceptive (hehe) you might notice that I am also engaging in self pity and pathetic rants. As Uroš Tomić said in 2006 when he discovered my blog in front of about 30 random people. He is making music and his pseudonym is Sick Boi. I like one song he made. Rest I will not comment because artists deserve to be paid. 

So I decided to be there always. With all of the baggage and insecurities I have. 

I can hold the mask of rightness only so much. Everyones fall off at some point. Might as well shoot it down myself and cut the line for him.

But here's the deal.

I'm your Pappa. 

I'll make mistakes. I'll be wrong. I won't understand you. 

I hope you will teach me as you taught me Swedish. 

I thought that the world I was fighting for was for my friends.

I never thought it was all for you.

All I have are my experiences. And the world I grew up in. 

You are my window into the future you want. 

I'll be there. It might take me time. Just be patient.

Snälla älskling.

Prica o Asus timu

 Uroš je otišao u petak. Bilo je tries dva stepena i sunce je peklo gore nego na površini istog. Nosio je preuske pantalone, kao Aleksandra, koja je čekala da ispuni njegove male cipele. Cipelice takoreći.

Ivan je i dalje pokušavao da nauči kako se prave nalozi za onaj drugi servis. Zaboravio je da Uroš odlazi pa je u pet i dvadeset doneo flašu vode. Zatekao je prazne stolice i isključene računare. Na tastaturi je zatekao roze ceduljicu sa veb adresom na jutjubu koja je vodila do pesme ’Dunavom još’ od Jugrupe. I propratnu poruku:’Crkni ustašo, sad ti mogu reć’. Sve ćirilicom, osim U.

Sa suzom u očima se izlogovao sa računara i polako krenuo ka vozu koji će naredne dve godine biti na svakih sat vremena jer u Srbiji vreme teče sporije od ostatka sveta, pa se poslovi poput zamene pruge na 20km dužine rade 2-20 godina. Temeljno.

Kaća je bdila nad svojim bi-ajem.

Slavica je tačno u 5 istrčala sa trećeg sprata zgrade, jureći da čeka narednih 15 minuta autobus kojim će potonjih sat ipo vremena ići do svog tadašnjeg doma. Nije se pozdravila sa Urošem jer će se svakako sresti opet pošto se svi Bosanci znaju među sobom i ne mogu pobeći jedni od drugih. U Bosni se pruga radi još temeljnije. Treba tek videti puteve.

Jelena je bila na odmoru.

 

Uroš je bio sposoban čovek. Kao mlad se zavetovao da neće raditi u politici, verovao je u meritokratiju gde najsposobniji dobijaju najadekvatnije uloge. Ljubav prema zemlji pored one u kojoj se rodio ga je primorala da ostane tu i da svoj maksimum.

 

Trideset godina kasnije, vratio se u Preduzeće kao predsednik opštine Čajetina.

 

Ušao je kroz hol zgrade, izvadio svoju prašnjavu karticu na kojoj je još uvek bila u obrisima slika njegovih lokni i pokazao je Dači koji je bio vezan lancem za pod. Dača je podigao pogled i skoro kao čovek zaustio:’Kuprese, vratio si se!’.

Uroš ga je pitao more li se i nastavio do stepenica.

Uhvatio je gelender, skoro kao da miluje starog ljubavnika, čežnjivo gledajući ka vrhu zgrade kao ka poziciji predsednika svoje Republike. Korak po korak se uspeo do trećeg sprata, karticom prešao preko senzora i čuo klik. Veki je još uvek bila tu za pultom.

Čula se graja sa kraja prostorije. Kako se primica svom starom mestu, Kosovu, graja je bila sve jača. Ali ljude nije video.

Došao je do svog radnog mesta, prvo ugledajući Kaću kako još uvek sisa elektronsku cigaru zureći u biaj. Pored je bila Slavica koja je držala četiri slušalice na glavi i mahnito pričala. Aleks je glancala ostatak ekrana samsunga s7 edž. Poslednja uspomena na davnu ljubav. Telefon je izgoreo jer je pukla baterija. Ali staklo je bilo tu...

Ivan je stajao okrenut ka zidu i pokušavao da mu objasni kako funkcioniše čakra.

Na njegovom stolu je stajala tona kopija te poruke sa jedinim latiničnim U koje je Uroš ikada napisao.

Za Jeleninim stolom je stajao kasetofon sa kog se čula ta graja.

’Uroše!’, zausti Ivan, ’pa koliko si ti na pauzi jebote?!’.

Začuđeno ga je gledao Uroš dok je ovaj pokušavao da donese bar jednu stolicu koja je cela.

’Ajde, zakopani smo pozivima iz Srbije, to je tvoj rejon.’.

 

’Jelena je još uvek na odmoru.’

...

Dragana iz Trizme

 Ćao Dragana,

 

Kada dođeš na mesto poput ovog, često ti se učini da si nevidljiv. Da si samo radnik koji je tu da bi zadovoljio potrebe koje često ne razumeš. Često tako i bude. No, vrediš puno više od toga jer posao nikada nije samo posao. Posao smo mi, ljudi koji jedni sa drugima, naizgled nepovezani radimo.

Nemoj misliti da nisi ostavila traga. Nedostajaće mi pogled koji mi uputiš kada prolazim pored vašeg reda, tvoja svesrdna pomoć kada je tim u kom si bila imao manjak, sitni razgovori i razmenjene reči, šale sa Jasminom u kolima i mnoge sitnice kojima si meni, verujem i drugima, učinila dolazak na posao lepšim iskustvom.

 

Svaki prvi put je težak. Odlazak i dolazak su jednako teški, na drugačije načine. Ali ih vezuje navika. Promena je teška ali izvesna i (ironično) nepromenjiva. Bilo je lepo iskustvo posmatrati te kako odrastaš kao osoba i stasavaš u koleginicu za koju mogu reći da mi je bilo drago što sam imao.

 

Možda prekasno u ovoj priči ali želim da ti čestitam na novom poslu. Nadam se da je bolji od dosadašnjeg. Svakako zaslužuješ da napreduješ.

Nemam ni trunku sumnje da ćeš se snaći veoma brzo i da ćeš pokazati novim kolegama sve što sam ja video u tebi, a verujem i više.

 

Voleo bih da završiš studije jer ćeš se osetiti potpunijom osobom, bez repova koji će te pratiti do kraja života. Biti akademskim građaninom u vreme u kom odrastaš možda ne deluje kao bitna stvar, no pretvara te u osobu koja završava stvari koje počne. Primetićeš tokom života da je to reda kvalitet.

 

Budi prema boljima od sebe oštra a pravedna i imaj razumevanja za one koji tebe vide tako.

 

Biće uspona i padova. Šta god ti neko rekao kad se desi bilo šta od toga, ti moraš da preživiš oba. A preživljavanje je u pitanju, veruj mi. Ovo ti govorim kao prijatelj.

 

I koristi kremu za sunčanje

 

 

 

U svoje ime i donekle u ime kolega,

 

Želim ti da nekoga inspirišeš da ti napiše koji red i da tebe neko inspiriše kao što si ti mene.

 

 

Srdačno,

 

Ivan