Maja

When I was a kid I had a friend. Her name was Maja. She lived less than 50m from my grandma in Slovenia. She died when she was 8.
I feel so guilty for not writting anything about her for more than 20 years.
But she was my friend and I wish I could talk to her about the times we rode our bikes together to Partizanska. Even though it was forbiden.
But that is what a friend is.
Someone you share forbiden things.

Sudnji dan

Kad si mi rekla, bio sam van sebe od sreće. Niko nije bio veći od mene. Taj zalazak sunca je mogao biti plavetnilo Jadrana. Ali nije.
U Nurnbergu sam prvi put tražio crkvu sa željom da pričam sa nekim.
Tamo gde su suđenja bila sam se osecao kao osuđenik. Potpuno izgubljen i sam. Bez ičega čemu bih se radovao.
Zelena trava je bila nekako siva. Glasovi su ostali u pozadini dok su mi ljudi govorili u lice.
Ni vetar nisam osecao.
Ništa više nije važno.
Nije bilo suđeno.

Auslander

The fact is that I am in a strange country, surrounded by people who I know but do not understand, listening to music that I love but do not understand a single word, accustomed to a life I knew nothing of until recently, covered by nothing and feeling at peace for the first time in my life.
I'm wasting my life and couldn't care less.
Not many people can understand what I am talking about.
Money becomes abstract when you can't enjoy fruits of labor.
But that purifies your perspective on things that are important. Spartan life draws Spartan thoughts. I thought that I used to look at life in binary positions. Now I understand that I was spoiled. I understand better asceticism. Daily I am trying to skin myself and strip of all the unnecessary things until I am just an idea.
For me it was a life-changing experience to enter a first water lock.
The way river narrowes.
Gates close.
Impatience becomes futile attempt to control things that are out of my reach.
And after seconds that became insignificant to count,one continues with journey.
There is joy.
But I find it in the smallest things I can imagine.
I started to pay attention to nature. People became just a passing experience.
I am detached from my previous life.
I understand feelings differently.
And I am transitioning to a place where I can't be hurt anymore.
Because in the grand scale of things, I am writing in a language that is not mine, speaking languages that are alien to me, hearing words that are unrevealed to me.
And I will master all of it.

Živjeti se ne mora. Ploviti se mora.

Ni pogled unazad

Ni korak nazad,rekao je on. Pogledao je ka horizontu koji je obasjan bljeskovima u noći. Iza njega je stajala šaka nepoznatih mladića i devojaka. Iza njih leševi nepoznatih mladih. Ispred njega nepoznato. Samo bljesak iza krajolika o kojima su u miru pisali drugi.
Ni korak nazad,ponovio je. Šta god se desilo,makar ovde ostavili duše,ni korak nazad, vikao je.
Iza horizonta je naš cilj. Ispred cilja su prepreke. Neki će ih savladati. Mnogi nećemo.
Jednog dana će se neki od nas vratiti ovde. Neki od nas će se secati svih palih. Mnogi drugi neće.
Ni korak nazad!
Suocicemo se sa tim horizontom. Neki će stići do cilja.
Ali ni korak nazad.
Tamo lebdi smrt.