void

 I feel like I am yelling into an empty void. I don't know where to turn.

I need a friend. 

work ethics of a Yugoslav

When I was a young boy my father told me that it's better to be a good shoemaker than a bad doctor.

I am born in a country that doesn't exist where it used to. Except everywhere else around the world.

Those two points were the groundwork for the person who I am today.

First taught me that whatever I do I should do the best I can and more importantly that I am solely responsible for my own performance. Latter is measured by how much my peers trust me with the work we share. Noone else. Company men are not good workers. There's no pride in being a company man.

Work will survive without the company men. It will not survive without you.

We have one flag, one anthem and one origin struggle. We come from a proud people who stood up to hate. In those days it was simple. You do not betray your neighbour. You do not leave people behind. If you have no options, you avenge your neighbour.

Nowdays it's not that time. But the ideas are the same. We don't abandon our neighbours because it's hard to resist. 

People will come and tell you that you are better than others because of a particular set of your qualities . Some you have because you built them. Others you had no control over. Like your skin colour. Religious background. My or your mom's ethnicity. Languages you will learn. 

It's important that you understand that there is never time in which it is acceptable to turn your head away.

Never turn your head away, my son.

We do not turn our heads away.

We embrace. We love. We accept.

We understand.

I faced hate my whole life. Sometimes it meant I would have to do things that wouldn't be understood immediately. 

Sometimes it meant there are rumors that I did things that were illegal. But legal is not always right.

If you have to choose between being right and kind, be kind. 

It's more important to sleep sound than to sleep well.

I rise to Hej Sloveni. You will hold some other anthem in your heart. 

But values we hold high determin us for eternity.

Be kind.

I love you

tip 1

abandon all hope is the best survival tip I received in my life

if you surrender your beliefs of being rescued you will perceive every moment of your life as survival fight

that is not necessarily reality but it is a necessity

Omnia me me cum porto

dream

you are a dream. Sometimes a nightmare. But always a dream. You are a place of my purest happiness. I guess it looks to you like I am pretending but you are source of my happiness. I wish I can give you my feelings so you can have that part of me. Hear my heart when we are well. I think about you all the time.

It hurts when you are sad. Or not well. 

My urge is always to show you that I care.

I love you more than I know how to show.

But I love you.

And I fantasize about you in the dress.

About seeing you walk confidently.

As you should.

I love to hold your hand.

Wake up to a kiss.

Fall asleep touching you.

Being hugged by you.

When you rub your feet on mine.

I want to make love to you again.

I forgot how to.

I just need so little back again.

But I love you.

And despite everything I am still in love with you.

Snälla älskling

I started this with English. Wrote several sentences and started doubting if I can relate my thoughts in it. So I switched to Serbian keyboard. Just to restart writing in cyrilic alphabet without noticing it. 'till I realised people this might be interested in wouldn't understand it. So I switched to a Croatian one. Just to backtrack thinking that I am pondering. One can never underestimate one's laziness. 

So I went back to the safe option. 

English. Because I forgot French and my Italian is basic. I wouldn't get lost but I can't hold a real conversation. 

Indonesian, Farsi, Urdu, Japanese, Mandarin, Tagalog, Tunisian, Libian, Marokan and Palestinian Arabic are gone. I can order a beer. Say hey. First one is useless in most Arab countries. 

No beer. Get it?

The song I am listenig is Unstoppable by Sia.

Most likely because I feel powerless. 

But I decided I should go back to where I was fifteen years ago. And this is the beginning of that journey. 

I am an angry person. Not always a man. Whatever that means. 

That is because I have so many unresolved issues from my childhood and it took me so much time to realise what and how wrong I perceived normality. But here I am. 35. In Albania close to Greece. Intimately scared of speaking my own language. So I resort to my son's. 

I tell myself that I am protecting my family by omitting. 

But the truth is I have no family.

I will not get into details but I just have to write it as it is. I can't say it out loud. 

I love the thought of having a family. 

You see, I am deeply in love with a boy. 

He makes my heart stop. He lights up my day. We dance. We play. We have deep conversations about what happened. He explains me that the lights on the horisont are a plane. He holds my hand when we lift off because I am scared of flying. He shows me how to make a happy face. How I should look angry. How to recognise a monster. Also ghost. That's extremely important because monster or a ghost can come anytime and he knows when I should take cover.

And he taught me every single word I know in Swedish. 

Every.

Single.

Word.

Here's the thing. When he was born I thought for approximately 6h most days what can I focus on. That's how long my commute was in majority of C-19 was. I'm not complaining. I've met many interesting people on the way. From murder confessions to outright proposals.

And I decided that he will teach me another language.

You see, I grew up with a "I'll show you how to do it" father and a "Don't do it" mother. In between I had enciclopedias and Youtube. I had a diy scattered group of friends. And no money. So my knowledge was always theoretical. Knowledge none the less. 

It's fair to say that I didn't care enough for my academic career. I cared about practical knowledge and people. I still do. Deeply. 

Unfortunately that care stops when I leave the enviroment. 

Every place I ever worked at experienced that. 

But that is what you get when you are brought up by a father that leaves every few months.

So I just shut down. That's my emotional response. I don't know how to differently.

I have an alcohol abuse problem. 

That's why this exists. 

That's why I was always very careful regarding drugs. 

If you are cunning and perceptive (hehe) you might notice that I am also engaging in self pity and pathetic rants. As Uroš Tomić said in 2006 when he discovered my blog in front of about 30 random people. He is making music and his pseudonym is Sick Boi. I like one song he made. Rest I will not comment because artists deserve to be paid. 

So I decided to be there always. With all of the baggage and insecurities I have. 

I can hold the mask of rightness only so much. Everyones fall off at some point. Might as well shoot it down myself and cut the line for him.

But here's the deal.

I'm your Pappa. 

I'll make mistakes. I'll be wrong. I won't understand you. 

I hope you will teach me as you taught me Swedish. 

I thought that the world I was fighting for was for my friends.

I never thought it was all for you.

All I have are my experiences. And the world I grew up in. 

You are my window into the future you want. 

I'll be there. It might take me time. Just be patient.

Snälla älskling.